“Excuse me, sorry”... that’s how it all started. I was around six or seven years old in Florida when my parents noticed I would repeatedly say “excuse me sorry” when there was no need for it. When I was back home they took me to a doctor because they realized that this obviously wasn’t typical behavior. That’s when I was diagnosed with Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I don’t really know life without it. My first memory is me having anxiety or an anxiety attack. Some people may think that’s really sad and debilitating but honestly it’s just a reality and I’ve come to terms with it and I’ve also even found light in the darkness.

When I was younger, mental health and mental illness wasn’t as accepted as it is today so I would try, emphasis on try, to hide my OCD compulsions, my thoughts… everything. This got really bad in junior high and I ended up being hospitalized. Even then, I was still trying to hide my compulsions from everyone. I was so afraid of being judged I would come up with lies upon lies and would say “oh my God, I can’t get this pen off that’s so silly” and I would wash my hands up to my armpits. I don’t know who I thought I was fooling because it was so obvious what I was doing. It took me a long time and a lot of personal growth and perseverance to get to where I am today. I had to find the right medication, I had to find the right therapist, and I had to come to terms with many things. First off, I needed to accept my illness for what it was. I needed to accept that I had OCD. There’s no shame in that, and it was going to be with me for the rest of my life. It was not going to be unbearable for the rest of my life, but it was going to be with me for the rest of my life. I had to accept that in order to get better, I also needed to realize that I was not my mental illness. I was not my OCD. My OCD is a part of who I am but the thoughts I have because of my OCD do not determine who I am as a person and they do not represent who I am. OCD is ego-dystonic which means one’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are in conflict or inconsistent with one's ideal self-image or values. I think people who have OCD and anyone who is educating themselves on OCD need to recognize this.

I’ve shared a lot of negatives about my OCD, but believe it or not, there are some positives. I became more confident in who I am as a person and I started to realize and recognize that there’s no shame in having OCD. In a weird way it’s kind of my mini super power. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still terrible and exhausting and a huge demon I face every day but there’s one little piece of me that is grateful for having OCD. It has made me more empathetic and I have been able to use my story and my struggles to help other people who are going through what I went through. I also have the power to educate people on OCD and what it actually is because there is so much misrepresentation in the media.

If you would’ve asked me in high school, if I loved my life, I would’ve laughed in your face. There was a day when my parents were researching mental health treatment centres outside of the country because they feared I wouldn’t make it past high school - now I am a high school teacher teaching youth about their mental health. I can also confidently say I wake up every day looking forward to what’s to come. I promise if you are in a dark spot right now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can do this and you will do this. You are capable and you are not your mental illness and you are not your thoughts.


By Sophia Burke