Schizophrenia: The train I never saw coming
When I first started experiencing psychosis, schizophrenia was the furthest thing from my mind. I knew I was experiencing anxiety, but I thought my lack of motivation could be depression, my hallucinations could be symptoms of PTSD, my delusions were rational suspicions, etc.
As a neuroscience major, I knew the criteria for many neurological and psychiatric conditions. I knew schizophrenia came with positive (add-ons to “normal” functioning), negative (deficits in “normal” functioning), and cognitive symptoms (changes in thinking and reasoning). I had even written a policy brief about schizophrenia a few months earlier, with no clue the disorder would become my reality. I knew psychosis was associated with changes in neurotransmitters (chemical “messengers” in the brain) including dopamine, glutamate, and serotonin, that were in turn caused by a combination of genetics and environmental stressors/triggers. I would later learn that there was more to it (there were other biopsychosocial factors) over the course of my education, but that was what I knew early on.
I thought it was my job to come up with a hypothesis (an untested but evidence-backed guess) for my own condition. In fact, it seemed to be my only option, as mental health support was difficult to access early in the pandemic. So, I puzzled over events in my life and thought back to my lecture notes from class, looking for an explanation. However, the hypothesis I developed alone was incomplete.
And I grappled with stigma, thinking that my mental health struggles were like a virus that could infect others, similar to the COVID-19 virus. I was afraid of hurting others, or ending up in an institution, or some other horrible fate.
It wasn’t until I was admitted to the hospital that I got the care I needed and received the appropriate diagnosis. Although there are several things I would change about my hospital stay if I could, I am grateful my psychosis was recognized. I also got access to antipsychotic medications (medications that counter psychosis) as well as a first-episode psychosis program that helped me for three years following my stay.
So, this is a call for better supports and assessments for schizophrenia that don’t require hospital stays, and a call for more understanding about and compassion for schizophrenia from everyone. I know that throughout my episode, I was doing everything in my power to be well and to “quarantine” my illness. But you can’t catch schizophrenia, and I think I would have felt a weight fall from my shoulders had I realized this, and realized that I was not a bad person for struggling. We, as people with schizophrenia, are not violent by nature. It is everyone’s job to remind others that they are valid and not alone.
By Anonymous